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***The Couple At The Zoo
It's a beautiful warm
spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with
straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up
on the bars, holding on with one hand (and two feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor
fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets
even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall,
she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the
gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her
in with the gorilla and says,
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
***The Diagnosing Computer
A
man complained to his friends "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!!
There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample
of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
The
man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow ... Soak your arm
in warm water, avoid heavy laborand it will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this
new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He
decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and
daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in
the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your
tap water is too hard ... Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms ... Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs
... Put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant ... It ain't yours---get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off ...
Your tennis elbow will never get better.
***Questions You Just Have To Ask
1.If someone with multiple
personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
2.Instead of talking to your plants, if
you yelled at them would they still grow only to be troubled and insecure?
3.Is there another word for "synonym"?
4.Isn't
it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
5.When sign makers go on strike is anything written on their
signs?
6.When you open a bag of cotton balls is the top one meant to be thrown away?
7.Where do forest rangers go
to get away from it all?
8.Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
9.Why do they report power outages on TV?
10.What
do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
11.Is it possible to be totally partial?
12.If
a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
13.Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14.Why do they
lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
15.Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
16.If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17.When it rains why don't sheep shrink?
18.Should
vegetarians eat animal crackers?
19.If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
20.Why
is the word "abbreviation" so long?
21.When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
***The Three
Chinese Tortures
A man had been lost and wandering in the Chinese wilderness for 3 months. All he had to eat was what
he could forage and was forced to sleep wherever he could find meager shelter.
One day he came upon an old farm house.
In answer to his knock, an old Chinese gentleman asked "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"I have been lost in the wilderness for
3 months and have not had a decent meal or nights sleep in just as long. May I stay the night?"
The old man agreed
under the condition that there be no messing with his granddaughter. "I will cause you no trouble," the man said.
"That's
very good," said the old man, "because if I catch you with my granddaughter, you will suffer the three most severe Chinese
tortures."
The granddaughter attended the evening meal and the man was awestruck by her beauty. Since he had been
alone for so long and she had not been with a man in her life, they could hardly keep their eyes off of each other during
the meal.
Later that night the man crept into her room and they had a terrific time together. They were careful to
be quiet lest they awaken the grandfather. Afterwards, the man returned to his room (on the third floor), and thought:
"That
marvelous experience was worth enduring a thousand tortures." He then fell promptly asleep and had the best sleep in three
months.
Upon awakening, he felt an incredible weight on his chest. He then realized that there was a 100 pound rock
on his chest. On the rock was a sign that read: "1st Chinese Torture - 100 Pound Rock On Chest."
This is some lame
torture thought the man as he carried it over to the window and threw it out. Then he noticed another sign on the bottom of
the rock: "2nd Chinese torture - Right Testicle Tied To Rock." Knowing that it was too late to catch the rock, the man hurled
himself out of the window after it. Passing through the window the man saw a third sign on the window ledge: "3rd Chinese
Torture - Left Testicle Tied To Bedpost."
***Quotes From The Male Perspective
I married Miss Right. I just
didn't know her first name was Always
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her.
It's
not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer
. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it
was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love
of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
Wife: Let's
go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. How many men
does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house
and yells to his wife, "Honey, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" She replies, "Shall I pack for warm
weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"
Women will never be equal to men until they
can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete
until he is married. After that, he is finished.
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